


It's simple..

by Ringshadow



Series: Joker's a Thirsty Bitch. [3]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Batman: The Animated Series, DCU, DCU (Comics), Suicide Squad (2016)
Genre: Alfred can handle anything, Batjokes, Canon What Canon, Diana is the observant one, F/M, Joker gets confused if you're nice to him, Joker's questionable business, M/M, What if I wrote an assassination but it was a character drama, crazy does not mean stupid, highly questionable senses of humor, just kidding, left the canon in my other pants, mild pain killer use, suicide squad as a plot element and not much else, that bitch needs killing, the Justice League is so confused, unless..., unstable people doing their best but it's not great, warning do not use lasso
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-08-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:07:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26184673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ringshadow/pseuds/Ringshadow
Summary: .. We kill Amanda Waller.
Relationships: Joker (DCU)/Bruce Wayne, Joker (DCU)/Harleen Quinzel
Series: Joker's a Thirsty Bitch. [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1391884
Comments: 6
Kudos: 58





	It's simple..

**Author's Note:**

> *snaps timeline over my knee, feeds canon to blender and hits GO, ignoring the screams*
> 
> I wrote this entire thing in one day. ONE. DAY.
> 
> Enjoy.

“Nothing about what happened is okay!”

Joker’s voice, thin and strained and mania-crackling, echoes strangely in the Batcave. It would anyway but right now he’s at the end of several ropes, the edge of a cliff, barely held together and only that because fuck everything, Harley needs him, he cannot finish falling apart right now.

“I get it! We’re fucked up people! I’ve killed, Harley has killed, we’re criminals and we’re nuts but that doesn’t mean what was done to her is forgivable! I need your help, Bats. Fucking, anything, if you give a shit about justice at all, _you will help me kill Amanda Waller_.”

* * *

The situation had gone rotten before Batman had even caught wind of it. Hell, Joker knew before Bats did, because one of the people taken by Amanda Waller was Harley Quinn. Joker’s rage shook Gotham, and when his personal network found him nothing, and when the rest of Gotham’s villains couldn’t help either, he did the only thing he had left. Joker came to Batman. Soaked by the rain, gun in hand, eyes like twin hollow pits of insanity.

Batman had caught what was happening by then. Waller, a government agent that the Justice League was aware of (and had no good thoughts on) had apparently taken forceable custody of a handful of Gotham’s rogues gallery. Batman’s intel was suggesting that Waller was gearing up for nothing good, but it was still an operation of the US government, meaning that his own movements were somewhat constrained.

Those constraints meant nothing to the Joker.

He hesitated, only briefly, before telling Joker everything he knew and giving Joker a cell phone number. A burner phone, in his possession, that he would use to keep updating the Joker with new information. He told Joker to go get the victims and get them out, and try to keep collateral damage low.

Joker had stared at him and said, dead voiced, that he’d keep his collateral lower than Waller.

At the time, that statement had made zero sense.

Then Midway City happened.

* * *

It was in the wake of Midway City that the Joker finally got everything he needed and moved. By then, it was too late for some of the so-called Suicide Squad. But, Joker pulled it off and apparently hit the clandestine prison in a borderline surgical strike. Oh, it was a mess and it just added to his rap sheet, but he could have made it a massacre, and he didn’t.

Batman texted him after that strike and told Joker to come to him. Gave a very secret map so he could reach the Batcave.

_Come back to Gotham. Come to safety. Just come._

* * *

Harley looked actually pretty okay, for everything she’d been through. Joker looked worse. But, she let herself be bundled into a blanket and perched on a cot in the Batcave, looking around with comically huge eyes, cradling a mug of soup that Alfred had brought down to her. The hyenas, which Batman had quietly fetched days ago, were huddled on either side of her.

Nightwing was perched above her, still in full gear and looking very nonplussed by all this.

Joker was on his feet, looking like the bad end of a cocaine binge, his ruined suit jacket long discarded. He was shaking, rattling really and clearly unsteady on his feet but it didn’t stop him from making this insane, desperate plea.

Batman had shoved his cowl down, sprawled in his chair watching all this. He knew, he’d known, he was already standing at an edge. As if he wasn’t always, but stepping across a line and reaching out to catch Joker’s hand and help him recover Harley had shifted a power dynamic in Gotham, or was starting to, very slowly. He knew that. He knew this was aiding and abetting at the very least. But he’d been far too close to the rogue’s gallery for a long time, and his ‘complicated’ relationship with Joker had been the lynch pin for the change starting.

“First of all, none of us have slept in a long time.” He started slowly.

Harley waved. “I have!”

He ignored that. “And, loathe as I am to admit this, you’re actually speaking from a, well. I refuse to call it a place of sanity but I understand what you’re saying and why, Joker. Waller’s actions more or less murdered an entire city, and the intel I’ve uncovered has made it relatively clear that may have not been her goal entirely but was entirely within the scope of her mission. The problem is, in spite of these actions, she remains a US government agent and they haven’t disowned her yet.”

“I honestly don’t know if that’s a no, or a yes, or…” Joker gestured vaguely.

“That is _sit down before you fall down_ , you idiot.” He retorted and was rewarded with what might have been a real smile below all the cracks in Joker’s façade. “This is, I need to think heavily about this and we need to approach this very carefully. I know you like to go in halfcocked, but…”

Joker actually sat, flopping in a chair across from Bats, close enough he’s able to lift a foot and prop it on the edge of Batman’s chair next to his legs. “I’m full cocked and you know it.”

Nightwing sounded like he was choking, briefly, on his own spit.

“The point is, Waller’s actions are beyond extrajudicial. I’m extrajudicial. What she did is probably closer to fascist. And the chances of her receiving any real justice, even if we release every file we find on her, is limited. And if the Justice League was tied to the that file release, well.” He gestured vaguely. He’d already peeled his gloves off, his bare hands somehow vulgar against the black of his suit.

“She already wants to take Supes out.” Joker said after a beat. “I mean, I don’t have the same sources as you, which, thanks for what you got to me, that made all the fuckin’ difference. But it is real apparent to me that she wants Superman gone.”

“Don’t thank me. I guess the point is, she acted extrajudicially and I think we need to respond the same way. BUT, I want to speak to the Justice League. I’ll put out a call to speak to them tomorrow night. In the meantime, I want you both to sleep and work on recovering, or at least starting to.” He patted Joker’s leg and stood, starting his gear down.

“Is that smart?” Nightwing wanted to know as Batman peeled out of armor and hung it up for cleaning.

“I’m not going upstairs wearing it.” He shot Nightwing a look, then realized Nightwing was looking at Joker, still in the chair and obviously watching with interest. “Oh. He’s fine. Trust me, he’s had ample opportunities to kill me and right now, he needs me. Gear down.”

“Relax, Baby Bat. Truce.” Harley said, looking up at him.

“Yeah right.” Nightwing muttered, but jumped down and moved toward his own gear rack.

Once Bruce was down to black sweats and a black tank, he looked at Harley and Joker. “Come on. Upstairs.”

“What?” Joker was thrown.

“I’m not letting you two sleep down here, and the house is huge. I’ve got spare beds. Come on.”

Harley stood slowly, still wearing the blanket and cradling the mug, moving to follow. Joker moved to walk beside her, slowly climbing the stairs, the hyenas following in their wake and Nightwing bringing up the rear. The manor was silent in the early hours before dawn, but Alfred appeared, in a robe and regarding them all.

“Going to bed, Master Bruce?”

“Yes. All of us. Sorry for waking you.”

“As always sir, there is no need to apologize.” He produced another mug and pressed it into Joker’s hands. “Drink it.”

“Uh. Thanks, Batdad.” He accepted it because he frankly didn’t have another reaction prepared, following Bruce Wayne up the stairs. “This house is ridiculous. You know it’s mob cash right.”

“Yes. I know. I thought my father and mother were different, for a bit. If anything, you can be assured that I’m not mob.”

Joker snorted into the mug as he drank. Chicken soup, homemade, and his body made it known that he’d been running almost entirely on energy drinks, coffee and pharmaceuticals since this all began. He guzzled it down with almost zero thought, the mug empty by the time Bruce stopped by a door and opened it.

“You can take this bedroom. I’ll have to go to work tomorrow. Nightwing and Robin will go to school. I would appreciate if you didn’t burn down my mob mansion while we’re gone.” There was a dry, warm humor in Bruce’s voice as Harley and Joker peeked into the room. “Alfred will find some clothes for you once you’re up.”

“You know this is changing things right?” Joker looked at him. “You can’t come back from the decisions happening, right now.”

“Baby?” Harley looked at him.

“No, no, I have to say this. This is blurring a line you don’t like to blur, Bats. I’m not sure you’ll be able to draw it clearly again after.”

“I know. So be it. Goodnight.” And Bruce walked away toward the master bedroom, pausing to let Nightwing catch up with him and listening as the younger man spoke, low and urgent, as they walked down the hall.

Joker stared after him then shrugged, parking the empty mug on a table in the hallway before crossing into the bedroom. It felt like a weird metaphorical threshold as well, but honestly, he doesn’t even know what’s holding him together anymore. The bed is a huge four poster thing and Harley bounced over to it happily.

“I thought he’d just let us sleep in the cave. I mean, he’s right. It’s safe there. No one looking for us would think to check the Batcave.” She sat on the bed, toeing out of the slip-on shoes she was still wearing from the prison he’d broke her out of. “This? This is a lot.”

“To put it gently.” He closed the door quietly, stripping out of the remains of his suit and ignoring Harley’s concern at his more visible bones. “I can’t say how things are going to be after this.”

“Mr. J. Come on.” She reached out and caught him. “Help me turn this bed down, then just shut up and hug me for a while.”

He’s not one to take orders, but these, he follows without comment. He felt the hyenas climb up and lay on the foot of the bed, and decided that was Bruce’s problem to deal with later.

* * *

Joker was beyond disoriented when he woke up. The bed wasn’t his, the scents were unfamiliar, his prickly senses going haywire as his eyes opened and he scrambled to remember where in all fuck he was. The room was richly appointed, bright sun streamed in from between curtains. It smelled like cleaners he’d never bought or used, and flowers, and he honest to god wondered if he was actually dead before memory slammed into place and he realized he was in fucking Wayne Manor.

He pushed to a seated position and rubbed his eyes before looking around. No Harley, and the hyenas had presumably gone wherever the hell she had. There was a pile of folded clothing on the foot of the bed, though, and he slid out from under the covers slowly, looking at them. Nothing impressive, but someone had found him purple sweats and a green tank top and a tube of mascara, and he was briefly, obscurely thrown by that tiny show of compassion.

The shower felt like it was trying to scour off his bleached skin and that was exactly the level of clean he wanted to feel. The shampoo smells like expensive booze and some kind of incense he can’t name, but he uses it anyway. In his borrowed outfit and the mascara taking the place of his proper face, for now, he feels put back together enough to step out into the house, slow and cautious, walking down the hallway barefoot on ridiculously soft rugs. He’d seen photos, but honestly, he’d never really been in Wayne Manor. It’s what he figured. Batman’s shell.

Distant voices clued him in and he followed them, sliding down the staircase railing and down another hall, finding a brightly lit kitchen. Alfred was standing at a cutting board by the stove, the hyenas sitting at attention next to him with trembling anticipation. Harley was in clean presumably borrowed clothes, sitting at the table, and jumped up when she saw him.

“Hi puddin!” She met him with her hands over his shoulder, hugging him close. He returned it, briefly, well aware that Alfred was watching them both and not very comfortable with the fact. “Are you okay? I couldn’t wake you up, I tried.”

“No. I might be soon.” He decided to admit. “I raised hell. Marks a man. Even me. And what I want to do will make what I’ve done look positively charitable in comparison.”

“I have to say, you are surprisingly more erudite than I would have thought from reading the newspaper.” Alfred’s voice was cheerful, even as he offered scraps of something down to the hyenas, who took their bites while leaving his fingers. They’d apparently learned more manners, in this house.

“I’m insane, Batdad. Not stupid. Though you would be amazed at how fast people will conflate the two. Coffee?”

“In the pot.” Alfred gestured with the knife he was using. “You’re a bit late for breakfast but I can find you something in a few moments.”

“You don’t have to wait on me, it makes me skeeved out.” He rummaged for a mug that wasn’t plain white. He ended up having to settle on bright yellow, and sighed dramatically while filling it. He missed his clown mugs. “You’re taking me being here well.”

“I am somewhat more party to Master Bruce’s thoughts than most people, as well as Batman’s.” Alfred a trimmed steak on a plate, giving the last scraps to the hyenas and letting them lick off the cutting board. “And while I am less than pleased at your past actions, I can say the same thing, for different reasons about Master Bruce. I know that all of this is a somewhat delicate balance.” He stepped to the sink and started washing the knife. “And I know that you carry a lot of weight in that balance.”

“… Okay.” He blinked once. “You see the nuance here, you’re saying.”

“I do, and it’s helped since you’ve started seeing it as a matter of business, not a matter of anarchy.”

He barked out a laugh, heading to the table and sitting next to Harley. “Then you really are not going to like what I’m planning.”

“You intend to murder a despot and you seem more aware than anyone of the weight of these actions.” The steaks went into the fridge, covered, and a different covered plate came out. “Which I have to find interesting, but then, you are something of a force of nature in Gotham. I suppose a man like you knows exactly how much every move you make influences everything around you. Master Bruce is the same in a lot of ways.”

“Are you really going to kill Waller?” Harley asked this, looking at Joker. “I mean, I’m not doubting what you said. You mean what you say. But.”

“I think I have to, sweetcheeks.” He drained half the mug of coffee and appraised it. “He’s buying better coffee.”

The plate of warmed, belated breakfast was set down in front of him along with a fork. “Master Bruce listens to what you say. And I have to say, you were entirely right about the coffee he was buying previously. This one was chosen by Master Dick.”

Something about Bruce Wayne’s butler agreeing that Bruce Wayne had shitty taste in coffee made Joker laugh hysterically, propping one elbow on the table and leaning his face into his hand as he snorted. Hell, he didn’t even need the Master Dick to make it funny, it just really helped. Added that certain British je ne sais quoi.

Breakfast was French toast and bacon and someone had actually made a plate for him. It’s disturbingly domestic, and he doesn’t even care.

* * *

Bruce is home at a time that is probably a bit early for his corporate life, coming in from his garage loosening his tie with a glad-seeming smile as he spoke to Alfred. Joker was on the walkway above, leaning in his folded arms and just watching all this. He’s probably a disruption to this nice supportive home life that Batman has, but what the fuck, he’d been invited.

“Hello, honey, how was work?” It’s not as sarcastic as he means it to be, even as he walks down the stairs to meet Bruce. And as if timed the hyenas scrambled down the hall, in full play mode because Harley was cheerfully chasing them.

“Well, this is more of a greeting than I’m used to.” The laugh is all Bruce Wayne and Joker hates it. “Let me go get my real face on or something closer.”

“Please do. This you creeps me out.” Joker complained, then stopped when Bruce produced a small bag from an upscale makeup boutique.

“Here, I made a stop during lunch.” And he pressed it into Joker’s hands then walked on by, up the stairs, talking to Alfred as he moved about his day as if nothing had just happened.

“You’re going to catch flies.” Harley nudged Joker and he managed to close his mouth, looking down at the bag stunned. “That’s a really expensive store, what did he getcha?”

“I don’t know how to deal with any of what just happened.” He muttered and shifted, pouring the bag onto one of the many side tables that cluttered up the mansion. Two shades of lipstick, one of which made Harley squeal and grab immediately. An eye makeup pallet that would probably suit both of them. A nice blush. Brow liners. Styling gel. Basically everything they needed to feel properly, for real, themselves without being in total full face makeup.

“Mr. J if you don’t marry him I might.” Harley decided, her lipstick already open, putting it on in an antique mirror.

“You wouldn’t dare.” He replied, mostly serious. “But this is rather accommodating, isn’t it.”

“No, it figures. He said he wants to talk to the Justice League tonight. He probably means for you to be there. That means you gotta look like yourself.” She cupped his face and kissed his forehead with a noisy smack. “Come on, let’s go use that vanity upstairs and get pretty.”

* * *

Both of them being in proper makeup, honestly, does a lot to calm some part of the Joker. He’s still nowhere near being himself, but his hair is styled and his face is his when he looks in the mirror. He’s still in sweats and a tank top and Harley’s in much the same, but, he supposes that even Bruce Wayne can’t work miracles without raising a lot of eyebrows. Joker’s wardrobe is _somewhat particular_ and Wayne going shopping for that color scheme on a lunch break would probably be noticed.

And then Joker got to be blown over again because when they padded back down the stairs, it’s Batman in basic black fatigue pants and a black t-shirt waiting for them holding wardrobe bags.

“Sorry. I was going to bring these up to you but I saw you were already coming down.” He passed them over. “I know they’re not exactly your most recent tailoring but, I thought you might want to be presentable for tonight. My talk with the Justice League is going to be a video conference in the cave. Everyone’s probably going to be in full dress.”

Joker unzipped his and stared. It’s one of his suits, alright, obviously cleaned and pressed, and he rubbed the fabric of a lapel between his fingers. Winter weight but, the cave was cold enough he’d probably be able to wear it comfortably for a meeting. He checked the tailor tag and lifted an eyebrow, then looked when Harley squealed and showed hers, revealing one of her jester outfits, meticulously kept. “Are you stealing from evidence lockers, Bats?”

“Arkham. I doubt they noticed. In fact I’m sure they didn’t, because I’ve had them months.” Bats smiled, just a bit.

“You creeper.” Joker had to laugh, shoving him lightly.

“Holy shit. Holy shit, Dick said you were here but.” It was Tim that said that, standing in the doorway with a slack jaw.

“Why would he lie about that?” Bruce wanted to know.

“Language, Master Tim!” Alfred said from somewhere else in the manor, Joker honestly had no idea.

“Truce, Baby Bat.” Joker said, parroting what Harley had said not all that long ago. “There’s bigger fish to fry than me right now, trust me.”

“He’s been a model guest according to Alfred.” Bruce told Tim as he stepped closer.

“Boo.” Joker deadpanned. “I don’t bite. Okay, I don’t bite you, right now.” That honestly didn’t seem to reassure Tim, and Joker shrugged, putting the wardrobe bag over his shoulder and going back up the stairs. “Thanks for the suit Bats, I’m getting presentable.”

“No one will mind if you do so after dinner, Mr. Joker.” Alfred reappeared from wherever he’d been.

“I’ll mind.” He lifted an eyebrow and left it at that, Harley bouncing up the stairs behind him.

* * *

Dinner was a baffling affair that Joker struggled to process. It was steak, and potatoes, and a medley of grilled vegetables. No one at the table seemed to think this particular dinner party would ever come together. Harley of course was preserving and was nothing but cheerful and charming and talked mainly to Nightwing and Robin, who like Bruce were in sort of in-between clothes. Straddling personas, not their public faces but not their true faces either. It’s actually a really interesting thing and Joker is noting it, not exactly for later, but it is kind of an interesting peek behind the curtain of how Batman’s weird ass little family works. That said, it was clear that the Baby Bats were not privy to the exact nature of the Bat’s relationship with the Joker, which suited Joker just fine, thanks.

“He said a while back that you two had come to an understanding that might be mutually beneficial.” Nightwing told him between bites. “He didn’t exactly expand on that, and believe me I asked. You two have spent a lot of time trying to kill each other, the idea that suddenly that relationship is diplomatic was hard to swallow.”

“And now here I am.” Joker snorted. Alfred had poured him a glass of wine and he was drinking it, for no other reason then him sitting there cradling a wine glass was only underscoring how strange the situation was. “Yeah, I can guess how this would be a mindfuck. I imagine to you I’m a fairly one-dimensional figure. The murdering madman. Trust me, I am that. I’m also more. And the threat I want to go after has every potential of going after all of you when they decide they’re done with my lot.”

“Yeah, I read the updates from Midway City today. They’re blaming all of you, there isn’t anything out there that said it was a government operation.”

“It definitely was.” Batman said. “I’ve got a pile of intel for you all to read through before we join the conference call tonight. Brace yourselves, even by Gotham standards, it’s bleak.”

“She killed thousands of civilians, Bats.” Joker drank some of his wine. “Even me at my peak would have struggled to compete with those numbers, and now, well. If I kill people they can’t buy drugs off of me can they? Living customers are a hell of a lot more valuable than dead ones.” When he saw Tim looking at him, he chuckled. “Read about the Sackler family someday, you’ll find out that this way of thinking isn’t all that unusual or even criminalized. I sell a lot of my pharmaceuticals as ‘supplements,’ which thanks to Amway and some other companies, is completely legal and barely monitored. And lets me pay taxes.”

“Holy shit.” Dick said softly. “Holy shit is that really how you work?”

“Yep. Oh don’t get me wrong, I’ve got plenty of straight up street drugs.” He finished the wine and set it aside. “But I am a businessman as well as a murdering madman, and if there’s anything more quintessentially American than that, I’d like to know what.”

Batman was looking at him with endless fondness now, and Joker wasn’t sure if he wanted to smack that look off his face or kiss it off. He’s open to options. “I knew.”

“What don’t you know?” Joker wanted to know. “Knowing shit is what you do. It’s your superpower.”

“Yet I was behind the curve on this. Too far behind to stop how it started, or to stop Midway City from happening.” He sighed and rubbed his face. “Or even to let Superman know so he and the Flash could try to intervene. They’re the two of us that could have reached the city in time to try to change things. Maybe less civilians would have died. Maybe El Diablo would be alive.”

“Bats. You don’t know that.” Harley shook her head. “And you weren’t there. I can’t guess who was giving you information, but honestly. You weren’t there, you didn’t know how shit was coming down. Don’t blame yourself for any of it. It’s Waller’s fault. Only her fault. She’s the one that let Enchantress free and tried to use her.”

Joker has actually cleared his plate and it’s possibly the most he’s eaten in weeks, but he pushed his plate away, sitting back. “Well. Are we starting this conversation now?”

“May as well.” Bats conceded. “I suppose we’re all on the same page on the basic facts, but those intel files I have really flesh it all out. I hesitate to bring them upstairs though.”

“Then let’s finish this and go downstairs. No sense in you keeping me here any longer than you have to. Our presence is chinking your very careful armor, I know.”

“Hey. I invited you and knew what and who I invited.”

“Ice cream?” Alfred asked cheerfully, and no one said no.

* * *

Batman was right.

The intel was _fucking bleak_.

“This jackass, Rick Flag.” Harley turned the paper file and tapped the photo. They were all down in the cave, sitting around a table covered in files. “He was absolutely there. He’s daffy in love with Enchantress’ human half. He finished that to free her.”

“How did you get all this?” Joker wanted to know.

“I lied to some people.” Batman replied. “And since we’re down here. Waller is asking for a meeting with Bruce Wayne.”

Everyone stopped and looked at him.

“Well that sounds like an, aheh, _opportunity_.” Joker grinned with absolutely zero humor. “What does she want?”

“I can guess. She didn’t say. I delayed her. Told her that my schedule’s busy. I wanted to have this talk and the one tonight first.” He sighed. “She likely wants protection for what happened in Midway City.”

“Oh no. Oh please don’t say you’d do shit like that.”

“He’s protecting you.” Tim said flatly. “What’s it matter if he protects you, or her? You’re both mass murderers. And before you point out she’s a threat to us, _so are you_.”

“Sassy and not wrong.” Joker did a contemplative face. “There are levels of threat, yeah? I’m a local threat, I have zero interest of moving beyond Gotham. She’s way beyond Gotham, hell she’s an international threat. She wants metahumans controlled or dead. I have no such motivations. Nuance, kiddo. There is nuance here.” He sat back and shrugged wide, a file in one hand underscoring the gesture. “I’m not saying I’ll never kill anyone ever again. Oh, don’t worry. I’m going to. Guaranteed. I’m going to burn shit down and blow it up and spend the rest of my years living in technicolor criminal glory and I’m going to love every fucking second of it. But before I do that, I’m putting two in this woman’s skull with or without your help, so weigh up your little moral codes and decide who will have the greater collateral damage to the public and to the people you care about.”

Harley leaned and kissed him on the cheekbone, smiling.

“That was stunningly sane.” Dick was staring.

“I’m not on a mania peak, I’m tired, and I sort of forgot to eat for a while. I’m not at what you might call my best.” Now he just sounds prissy.

“… Right, right. I guess you wouldn’t be after all this.”

“Know what sucks? No one’s ever going to know that El Diablo went out a hero.” Harley said, staring at a file. “He was amazing. I mean it. Superman would have been proud of that heel-face turn El Diablo did to try to buy us time and save us.”

“I can’t claim that history will exonerate him.” Batman admitted. “A lot depends on how tonight goes.”

“You realize of course that if the Justice League knows we’re here, they’re going to freak out.” Joker pointed out.

“Oh, they’re going to know. Because you’re pitching this assassination to them, not me. I don’t kill people. You know that.”

“Oh I do know. And I don’t want any of you to kill her. You have reputations to ruin. I want you to keep those reputations because that’ll help rip apart everything she’s done. But if I kill her, it doesn’t matter.” Joker grinned. “History will label it as vengeance. Maybe even as, ah. Appropriate. Romantic.”

“You’re disturbed.” Tim told him.

“Any more obvious statements to share?”

“Tim.” Batman said, quiet and serious, and Tim looked at him. “I know you’re not comfortable with this, and if you and Dick would rather not deal with it, you’re free to go upstairs.”

“This is happening whether we like it or not.” Tim’s expression is mulish. “So I’d prefer to know what’s going on even if I don’t like it.”

“I can’t claim I’m happy to be on the same side as Joker right now, but I think he does, actually, have a point.” Dick said slowly. “Waller killed a city and is going to avoid justice for those actions. I don’t like the idea of assassination. But I’m not sure we have any viable alternatives.”

“You don’t have to do it. You don’t even have to be involved beyond letting it happen.” Joker pointed out.

“Pretty sure that could still be considered ‘aiding and abetting’ or at the very least, ‘conspiracy to commit.’” He pointed out.

“Eh, no one’s going to know you did so who cares. Let it be added to my rap sheet.”

“If you make this your heel-face turn I’m going to be very annoyed with you, shug.” Harley looked up from the file to him.

Joker laughed out loud, head falling back and slouching with it. “Oh, please, I’d be so much more stylish about it if I did!”

“Because you can’t make an assassination stylish.” Batman stood. “I’m sure you could if you wanted to. I’m getting dressed, it’s almost show time.”

Joker waved him and the baby Bats off, then looked around the cave once they were sort of alone before looking at Harley. “There are in fact bats in here.”

“No kidding.” She blinked at him.

“Who, or what, is keeping the guano cleaned up? It should be everywhere and I’ve been led to believe it’s actually really dangerous to human lungs? Does he have robots? Maids in bat suits? Did he housetrain them?”

Harley laughed. “Mr. J…”

“Do not give me that look this is a perfectly sane line of inquiry! I can see and hear them! HOW. HOW IS EVERYTHING SO CLEAN?!”

“Ohmigod. Puddin.”

“And don’t think I didn’t notice the robot dinosaur!”

“It’s a souvenir” Batman’s voice drifted from somewhere else in the cave.

“You stole evidence. And if you heard that you heard my questions!”

“Yes. I’m not dignifying that with a response.”

“I’m more curious about that than the robot dinosaur!”

“Too bad. So sad.”

“I love your relationship so much. Have I mentioned that?” Harley grinned at him.

“You started it.”

“Yep.”

* * *

Joker and Harley ended up off screen from Batman’s video conference call, but well able to see and hear it all. Batman was in full dress and looking much more comfortable, waiting patiently as different screens popped up. Dick had claimed a chair next to him, Tim sitting on a table behind them.

Joker’s eyes flicked over the screens, smiling a bit when Harley smacked his arm when Wonder Woman popped up. Wonder Woman. Superman. The Flash. Green Lantern. Martian Manhunter. Cyborg.

“I think that’s all of us that can make it. I got a message from Aquaman that he can’t make it, and that he’s sorry.” Superman said. “I assume this is about Midway City. We haven’t discussed that in depth as a group yet.”

“Yes. It goes without saying that the version that is the news is nothing like the reality.” Batman replied. “If everyone here has time I want to go through the timeline as I am currently aware of and cover all the major players. You already know the death toll. So when I say it’s worse than you know, I take no pleasure in saying that.”

“We should know the facts and you are one of the best people I know at presenting them.” Wonder Woman replied. “Take us through it.”

Batman did, going through the timeline with dates. Waller’s commissioning of an operation, that he had no details on but, her actions going forward seemed to spell it out very clear indeed. The dates that the members of the Suicide Squad were taken, as far as he knew. A secret prison that held the squad. Enchantress, and the run up events of Midway City.

Partway through Alfred came down, bearing a tray with five mugs of coffee, crossing off the feed to give the mugs to Joker and Harley then bringing the other three to the Bat family before cheerfully greeting the Justice League. They greeted him and watched him go, a moment of silence following.

“Who else in the cave?” It was Green Lantern that asked that.

“What do you mean?” Batman asked.

“Alfred just handed off two coffee mugs off screen.” Diana smiled a bit.

“Ah, yes. I suppose that tipped my hand somewhat. They’ll make themselves known shortly, if you can wait until we get to the end of this?” When everyone nodded along with this, he continued.

Joker was flummoxed. Okay, everyone was on a video call and clearly anyone that was in the cave was zero threat to anyone on screen at the moment, but that no one had asked further was to him mind boggling. Oh well, he certainly had a clear point he wanted to enter the conversation anyway.

“It’s horrifying.” Was what Diana said at the end. “And the idea that Waller not only allowed but sanctioned so much civilian death is… I am not comfortable, standing by and allowing her to continue to do her job without facing justice for that.”

“That’s why I brought this to the table, such that it is. I am uncertain how to proceed. I don’t know if she’d ever face justice, even if we released every bit of intel that I have.” Batman replied.

“I don’t know if she would.” Superman said after a beat. “The politics of this are messy. It might cause riots. I agree, though. She should not be allowed to serve in any capacity. She should be in jail.”

“For life.” Flash said. “This is heinous. So how do we make it happen?”

“I’m not seeing a clear path forward on that.” Cyborg frowned.

“There is, of course, another option.” Joker said, loud and clear, very certain that the mics were picking his voice up.

“Who is that?” Diana asked cautiously.

“I know that voice.” Superman said at the same time. “Batman, what…”

Joker stood and strolled into the feed, leaning on the back of Batman’s chair and saluting the cameras with his half full coffee mug, grinning widely at the gallery of shock displayed there. “I’ve met most of you. Good evening. Please, get all your protests out before we continue.” A dull roar followed as the entire justice league tried to speak at once, a volley of questions, asking if Bruce is alright, how Joker had gotten into the Batcave, is this a hostage situation, has Batman lost his goddamn mind, and so on. Joker just drank his coffee then looked down at Batman. “This is better coffee.”

“Isn’t it? Dick chose it.”

“You have terrible taste in coffee.”

“I really do.”

“Enough, ENOUGH! We’re getting nowhere!” It was Diana’s voice that cut in and cut off everyone, and the Justice League shut up one by one. “Batman. I think we’re owed an explanation.”

“It’s simple. We kill Amanda Waller.” Joker replied bluntly.

The Justice League all stared at him, eyes flicking visibly between Joker and Batman, who wasn’t saying anything to counter this suggestion.

“Batman?” Superman asked slowly.

“The Joker came to me for help when Harley disappeared.” Batman replied, setting his mug down. “At that point I was still just starting to get intelligence about the situation. What could I do? I helped. I gave him information.”

“I used that information to break into the prison that holds the Suicide Squad and get Harley back.” Joker said bluntly. “That was what, less than 36 hours ago? I don’t even know, time isn’t real. I couldn’t get the rest of the Squad out, and you don’t know what they’re doing to all of them. Think what you will about me. It’s deserved. But none of us deserve that. It isn’t justice, it isn’t right. And she’s going to keep doing it. And she’s doing it because she wants to take you all out. Specifically you, Superman.”

“That seems like a slight slanting of the facts.” Superman replied. “But, it’s not entirely wrong either.”

“You’ve all but admitted, just now, that you can’t bring her to justice. She won’t face time, she won’t be punished for what was done. So let me kill her. She’s a threat to us all. She’s human.” Joker drained his coffee then gestured vaguely with the empty mug. “Yes, yes, you don’t kill. But you do, don’t you. Don’t even get me started on the collateral damage problem some of you have. This will be easier with your help, but what I’m specifically asking for is this: look the other way and let it happen. A clear assassination will send a very loud message to the people that allowed her to do this, and frankly, none of you have that MO. You’ll be clear of all suspicion.”

“This is twisted.” Flash said, eyes huge.

“Hello, I’m the Joker.”

“Before any of you ask, I’m not entirely certain of this myself.” Batman said bluntly. “It is frankly against my personal code of ethics, as you all know. However, Joker has presented a line of thought that I cannot deny, and that is that Waller is a threat to us all. Rogues Gallery and Vigilante alike, and even if we somehow put her in jail for life, to pretend she wouldn’t continue to have influence is to lie.”

“You two are…” Diana paused. “You realize of course this is a very strange image this is presenting to all of us. Your rivalry is notorious.”

“Yeah, yeah, we’re under white flag.” Joker made a face. “Like I told the Baby Bats, there are bigger fish to fry. Unless one of you has a better idea?”

“I’d say not committing murder is a better idea than committing murder.” Green Lantern decided.

“I’m asking you to keep your trap shut, not commit murder. She’ll come for you and your toys. I guarantee it. After she’s done with us, after she’s gone through the rogue’s gallery and broke us all and used us up and torn whatever secrets she can steal from our bodies, she will come for you. She took Harley’s blood. Harley’s blood can be used to decode me. What the fuck do you all think is going to happen if she gets a leash on me? Think real hard now.” He pointed at Superman. “I can take your ass out. Right now. I know how. Don’t think I don’t. I haven’t because you’re boring and easy. Now imagine I have a killswitch installed. I don’t have the wherewithal to just let her kill me, that’d be your caped ass going down Supes.”

“This does not make me want to be your friend.” Superman replied.

Batman burst into laughter, loud and rusty, visibly startling the majority of the Justice League. “He’s not here to be our friend. He’s here to be our bagman. And again, that’s the thing. I don’t like this, at all, but he’s not wrong. I don’t have any intel suggesting that she’s not planning something that style of escalation, and I do have intel suggesting she might know who we are. This is intimate to us, this is our personal safety and her only morality appears to be keeping herself alive.”

“She gunned her people down in Midway City.” Harley came down on screen, staring at them all. “Hi. I was on the Suicide Squad. I tried to hunger strike and they shoved a feeding tube up my nose.”

That seemed to greatly unsettle the Justice League.

“So yeah, that’s what you sanction if you don’t move to stop her, because you know that inaction is the same as action.” Joker said bluntly. “You either move to stop her or you sign off on everything she’s doing including the torture and mass civilian death. What’s your call?”

“I don’t want to be a part of this.” Green Lantern decided. “I’m abstaining but I will not interfere.”

“Thank you.” Batman inclined his head and that screen went dark.

“I want to use the lasso on Joker before I agree to anything.” Diana decided.

“I’m not sure that will work.” Batman blinked.

“Oh, oh! Is this the Lasso of Truth?” Harley looked thrilled. “Can you use it on me too?”

“Okay, fine, but truth is flexible and if you melt my brain it’s not my fault.” Joker decided. “Might be fun, let’s see what’s true to me in the span of two minutes that I’m holding onto it.”

“I can be at the cave tomorrow.”

“See you soon.” Batman nodded to her and her screen went dark. “Flash?”

“You know what? I’m in.” Flash decided. “I can’t see a better choice right now. I’ll do some legal reading and try to find us an angle but this is about protecting everyone and I mean everyone. Joker, I’m still going to try to arrest you after.”

Joker laughed out loud. “If you can get cuffs on me I’ll go willingly, speedy boy.”

“I’ll help with intel, no further.” Cyborg said after a bit. “And I might change my mind on that, but I won’t interfere either way.”

“Thank you.” Batman nodded. “Superman?”

“I don’t like any of this.” Superman rubbed one temple, groaning. “But I was not expecting the Joker to be so good at presenting his points either.”

“I am really, really motivated to kill Waller.” Joker said cheerfully. “And it’ll be easier if I have your help.”

“Help how? You haven’t said.”

“She’s guarded. She lives in a high security environment. I need to cross those hurdles to get to her. I’m only going to get one shot. All of you can help me cross those hurdles. Open the way, so to speak. Tell me her security and how to break it. Help me make an approach unnoticed. Basically show me the weaknesses and how to exploit them.” He shrugged. “Theoretically you shouldn’t have to be anywhere near the scene of the crime and you should be free of any suspicion. Hell, even if you’re visibly not surprised, her getting taken out by someone on the Squad or someone related is the least shocking thing right now.”

Superman rubbed his face with both hands. “I hate this. I absolutely hate this.”

“We won’t move if you say no.” Batman said quietly. “You know that.”

“No. Because the idea of her using Joker as a weapon against all us, I hate that even more and I cannot let that happen. No offense Joker but you’re pretty benign when you aren’t pissed off.”

That made Joker laugh again. “Of course you do know that you could just kill me and get the same result. Killing me not only removes a potential weapon from her hands, it ends the shit that I’m up to.”

“Pudding.” Harley stared at him.

“You aren’t wrong. But it wouldn’t make her that much less of a problem. She’d still be responsible for killing an entire city, and she’d still be an open threat to all of us.” He considered. “This is unbalanced. We’re helping you. What are you doing in return?”

“Holy shit are you making this a mob deal?” Joker was actually delighted.

“He’s removing a threat to us. We aren’t getting nothing.” Batman inserted.

“Yeah, but he’s still a threat.”

“I’m not killing her and turning myself over to go to the chair if that’s what you’re asking.”

“No. I want you to go to ground after. For at least a year. I want your radar silent. I want to see zero crime for the Joker for a solid calendar year afterward.” Superman abruptly decided.

“I want an exception for drug dealing.” Joker replied. “That’s how I make money. I’m not going to be silent for a year if I fucking starve, you douchebag.”

“Okay. I agree to that. Do you agree?”

“I agree. But for this, you better be actually helping, not just ignoring the situation.”

“I’ll be there tomorrow with Diana.”

“Please don’t arrive intending to start a fight, I like my house.” Batman complained.

Superman actually smiled, just a little. “I won’t. See you tomorrow.” And his screen went black, the rest following.

“Well that was fuckin unexpected holy shit. Did you expect Superman to just term bargain like that?” Joker wanted to know.

“Hell no I didn’t. Wasn’t expecting you to agree to a yearlong truce either.”

“I think I can make the satisfaction of killing Waller last a while. Besides I’ve been meaning to get my supplements official enough to be sold in stores, I could use a bit of time without distractions.”

“If I see Joker brand shit in the vitamin aisle I will hunt you down and beat your ass.” Tim said.

Joker cackled. “You’ll try to beat my ass. Okay. The awkwardness is over, meeting adjourned? I really should go home and see just how in danger we are. I can be sure to be back here tomorrow if this is where you want me to meet up with them.”

“I didn’t think you’d want me to bring them to your place.” Batman turned his chair to look at him, smiling just a touch.

“Ugh, no, hell no. I’ll be here.”

“Of course. Do you need a ride?”

“Unless you want me to call some of my people here to pick us up. Do you always have paparazzi watching your house? I think you do.”

“Batmobile it is.”

* * *

Three people and two hyenas into the Batmobile is, in fact, the most hilarious clown car that Joker’s ever been involved in in his life, but he’s also not arguing. It basically ended up with him in Batman’s lap and Harley damn near the same.

“We haven’t gotten any quality time together lately.” Joker remarked in the packed hilarious awkwardness of the Batmobile that Batman was somehow completely ignoring, which was both amazing and completely in step for Batman.

“With you that could mean a wide range of things.” Batman kept his eyes on the road, dodging through city traffic, which largely parted for him anyway. The Batmobile being on the move was a lot like an ambulance with lights on, people would even pull over to let him pass. Unlike an ambulance there was no actual law enforcing it, people just didn’t want to be in the way if shit went down. Probably. Or it was respect, who knows.

“I’m not trying to start a fight right now.” Joker rolled his eyes. “I’ve had enough physical altercation for a bit, thanks. I know we don’t hang out, it doesn’t fit our dynamic.”

The Bat’s chuckle was more felt than heard. “We could get a drink at Penguin’s when this is over.”

“I’m inviting you over. Okay, there, said it.”

“What, tonight?” He honestly sounded curious.

“In general. If I have my balcony open, come in. This is all fucked up and blurred anyway.” Joker waved a hand. “Why pretend there’s boundaries anymore.”

“Hmm.” He spun the wheel, whipping a corner then slowing as they got close to Joker’s block. “I’ll keep that in mind.” Joker’s building had a parking garage and he pulled in away from prying eyes, just parking alongside Joker’s marked spots and looking at them. “Can I just say, it is amazing that you’re getting away with this. Everyone knows where you live, where you park.”

“I’ve managed to insulate myself a bit. Or I thought I had. Then this shit happened. Teach me to let myself be not quite as paranoid as normal.” He reached for the door but Harley beat him to it.

“You know what, I’m giving you two a moment.” She announced, clambering out and helping get the hyenas out.

“You can be less obvious about giving us a moment.” Joker pointed out.

“I can be but I’m not going to be!” She laughed and shut the door, leaving Joker in Batman’s lap.

“Well.” Joker giggled and turned his head and was met, one of those armored hands cupping his face and jaw. The kiss was hard and didn’t linger, but after Batman leaned their foreheads together.

“You are right. This is going to change things. Our dynamic, hell, the dynamic of Gotham. My position won’t be as clear cut, and it barely was before.” Batman conceded. “But there is no right in this situation. No clear cut correct way. So I’m just going to do best by the people I want to take care of, and I guess that includes you, now.”

“Guess it does.” Joker stared at him. “I don’t really do relationships. Hell, what Harley and I have is toxic as fuck at best. I’m probably going to get everyone around me killed in a blaze of glory.”

‘Yeah. Probably. But do you think I’m going to die of old age?”

“You’d do it just to spite life. You’re going to be old with a dog and have some weird future Robin with rocket technology.” Joker had to laugh. “And I’ll be a memory. Maybe even a good one. I’m here for a good time not a long time.” He opened the car door and got out, stretching and cracking his back. “See you tomorrow, Bats.”

“See you tomorrow Joker.” Batman had a rueful smile.

* * *

The penthouse was undisturbed, except for reports waiting in the mail slot from various members of Joker’s gang. He’d asked for all those, to be fair. Security shake downs. Trying to figure out if they were actually safe. Of course they aren’t, but it’s good to be home.

Probably someone working from Waller is watching the building and will notice that he and Harley are both back in residence. It’s playing with fire. It’s asking to be attacked again.

He got guns out of the safe and kept one on his person. Told Harley to do the same. Told his contact network to keep their ears open. If someone’s coming he wants a warning.

He stayed in and did what he could for his work from home, from phone and computer. Happily no one had tried to take over his empire while he’d been distracted.

Alfred’s steak dinner ensured he actually got some sleep, at least.

* * *

He woke up to texts from Batman’s burner phone telling him when would be best for him to come back to the cave, and that Superman and Diana were already there. It wasn’t after dark, of course, and he sent back a text saying they’re lucky he woke up early before stalking to the shower. Harley was already up and gave him coffee when he came into the kitchen, then just stood holding onto him for a long time.

“It hit me that I’m home.”

“It’s weird to use that word.” He muttered in response. “Home. I’ve never sat well with … domesticity.”

“You’re the wolf from Aesop’s. You’d rather have an empty belly and freedom than a meal and bondage.” She gave him a fond look.

“What kind of bondage are we talking about here?” Has he ever read Aesops?

That made her laugh. “How are we dressing up for the heroes?”

“Baby, I know you love Wonder Woman, dress however you like.” He snorted.

So fine, they both get in the purple Lamborghini dressed to kill. Like they’re trying to impress someone. Or maybe she is and he just is trying to show he means business. Last time they’d walked up the long tunnel to Bat’s cave, now he drives it, noting that the security systems target him then shut off, obviously manually cued. Bats knows he’s here, and the doors open for him and let him pass, and he pulled in alongside the batmobiles and cut the engine.

“I am never going to get used to this.” Harley peered out into the cave. “Didya ever think we’d be in here? Like welcome in here?”

“I figured I’d see it eventually and it’d be because I was in his custody. This is definitely a twist in my mental narrative.” He snorted and got out, adjusting his suit jacket and looking toward Batman’s battlestation. Superman was in full gear and had claimed one of the chairs, and was reading an honest-to-everything newspaper with a pencil behind one ear. “You seeing this?”

“He’s not allowed to be adorable.” Harley replied.

That made him giggle as they walked up the path from vehicle parking to the battlestation, Batman coming down the stairs with Wonder Woman as they did. Batman was in that weird midway position for dress, which Joker supposed made sense, it hadn’t been that long since Bruce Wayne’s workday. “Joker.”

“Bats. Thanks for not letting your defense systems shoot my car.”

“Honestly, I thought our little conversation in Metropolis would be the first and last time we’d be this close to each other without handcuffs.” Superman folded and set the newspaper aside, standing.

“I’m full of surprises.” Joker deadpanned, standing his ground as all three vigilantes walked over to him and, to his dismay, he is looking up at all of them. “What fucking size difference porno is this I demand we all sit down.”

Wonder Woman’s eyebrows shot up, and Batman half smiled. “Not our fault.”

“Nor is it mine!” He snapped. “Fucking giants.”

“You haven’t complained about my height before.”

“Context, Bats. CONTEXT. It matters.” He shook off. “Remind me what this meeting is for?”

“I didn’t want to agree to this… path of action until you held the lasso of truth and answered questions.” Wonder Woman considered him carefully. “We’ve been discussing this. No one in the Justice League is happy with this, but none of us have a better way forward that would actually end the problem. As much as we all hate to admit it, stepping aside and letting you work might be best.”

“The bitch needs killing. Why is this hard.” He groaned and let his head loll back. “Her collateral damage circle is not going to shrink, it’s going to grow the longer she’s allowed to continue. I guarantee that. Because she’s not sorry. She fried an entire city and fed it to Enchantress because she wanted to be able to raise a magical army in her control in case you,” He looked at Superman, “Ever went off the rails. And now she doesn’t have Enchantress, so that means she’s going to try to find something else.”

“That was our reluctant conclusion.” Superman nodded once. “And we couldn’t do it. But you can.”

“Yes. Exactly. This is easy. Ugh.” He looked at Wonder Woman. “Normal sanity people are so hard to talk common sense into. Give me the damn lasso. Let’s get it over with.”

“I still don’t know if this is going to work.” But Batman claimed a chair and kicked back to watch anyway.

“Asshole.” But Wonder Woman is taking the lasso off the hook at her hip and offering it out, coiled, and he sighed, reaching out and wrapping his hand around the coil. His knees almost went as a jolt went through his system and pain screamed between his ears for a split second, the broken bits of his mind trying and failing to align. “Wow. That’s not pleasant. Ask quickly.”

“Baby your nose is bleeding…!” Harley is already moving, yanking the handkerchief out of his pocket and moving to put it to his face.

“Don’t actually touch me I’m basically holding a live current.” He stayed standing anyway and glareed at Wonder Woman. “Hurry. Up.”

She had an eyebrow up. “Are you being honest about your motives?”

“What? YES. She took Harley she has to die.” The room was spinning.

“Are you a danger to us.”

“No more than anyone else right now.”

“Right now?”

“I’m not rolling over for any of you if you come for me I am going to fight!”

“Last one. What’s your intentions toward Batman?”

“I dunno, getting my brains fucked out next Tuesday night?” And that’s as far as he got before the room washed and he hit the deck.

* * *

Joker really, really didn’t want to wake up.

He didn’t have much choice in the matter though and groaned loudly as he did, blinking and cringing at the dim light in the room. He was back in the bedroom he’d been in the night before, his jacket tie and shoes off at least but otherwise still dressed. Someone had tossed a blanket over him and there was a glass of water and a bottle of painkillers on the bedside table, but that would have required moving so he stayed put for the time being.

“Hey pudding. How do you feel?”

He managed to look toward the door while barely moving. “Like a demolition derby was inside my skull. What happened.”

“You passed out. We were really worried.” She moved over and sat carefully on the edge of the bed, stroking through his hair with a gentle hand. “Bats carried you up here. Wonder Woman seems contrite, honestly, she said she’d never seen anyone react like that to the lasso.”

“Well, there is no one else like me.” He grumbled, eyes shut again. “I might be laid up tonight.”

“Oh good. You’re awake. You’ve been out the better part of two hours.” Batman stayed at the doorway, looking in at them.

“Did I pass?”

“Yes, and thanks for choosing the most embarrassing true answer you could.”

Joker had to take a moment to remember what he’d said, and then he chuckled softly. “Ah. Ah yes. And how did they take that?”

“Well, once we checked your vitals and brought you up here I got asked some awkward questions.” He leaned on the doorway. “Wonder Woman was very bemused and wanted to know if I had been aware of your intentions toward me. All I could say was yeah, I had noticed.”

That made Joker laugh again.

“Which of course made Superman ask if I was still alright with all this, which, yes. Your answers changed nothing, besides reassuring them that you’re not actually using this opportunity to spy on the Justice League or something.” He rolled his eyes.

“They’re all massively dumb.”

“I think Wonder Woman’s smart.” Harley protested.

“Observe my current situation.”

“I’m not sure how she could have known, shug.”

He groaned. “So Superman is a nerd who still reads newspapers.”

Batman laughed. “Let’s say it’s related to his other job but honestly, I think he would anyway. Don’t worry though, I asked. No, he wasn’t chess club. He was Ag club.”

“Bats, I have a migraine, what the fuck is ag? Is that what, argon?”

“Agriculture.”

That made him open his eyes. “Holy shit, is Superman from a corn state?”

“A significant part of the country is a corn state, you know.”

“I wouldn’t know. Please tell me that you’re giving me good painkillers.”

“Oxy, actually.”

That motivated Joker to move enough to prop himself up, reaching for the bottle. “This is where a normie would probably make comments about loving you. I am not a normie, but fucking hell you are a life saver.”

Bats just smiled, and left the doorway.

* * *

The oxy was enough that he was able to leave bed without wanting to vomit and pass back out, at least. It’s a start. He’s able to scrape his brain back into his skull and lean on Harley and wobble down the hall, ignoring the fact that he’s a partly dressed rumpled mess with smudged makeup. The worms are loud and light is setting off explosions inside his head, everyone will forgive him for being less than put together.

Superman had apparently left at some point, being someone normally awake during the day. Joker’s pretty sure that counts for Wonder Woman too but she’s in the kitchen when he wobbled in, cringing at the overhead light.

“You’re up. I’m glad. I owe you an apology, I should have told you to let go of the lasso the moment your nose started bleeding.” She stood from the table, watching him.

“I’m alive, which means I’m probably going to be fine. If this doesn’t go away by dawn you are finding me a brain expert that won’t put me in Arkham.” He sounds as cranky as he feels, which is quite frankly a lot cranky. All of the cranky. “Where’s Bats?”

“Still here, don’t worry. I wanted to make sure you’re not going to die on me before I do rounds tonight.” Batman shut the lights off, letting the kitchen be lit from the hallway. “There’s coffee in the pot. Have some, it might help if this is a migraine.”

“Thanks. I might have to abuse your hospitality again tonight.”

“That’s fine. It’s the least I can do.”

Wonder Woman stood and went to the pot, pouring two mugs and handing one to Harley and Joker. “I can’t claim to understand exactly what this dynamic is. Just realize that if you act in a way that wrongs Batman, I will gladly return here just to reprimand you in a way you will regret.”

Joker held the mug between his hands and blinked owlishly at her, then at Harley, then at her. “I’m sorry, thinking is physically painful right now. Did you just give me a very elegant shovel talk?”

She just smiled, and walked away, poking Batman on the way by. Batman blew out a sigh and followed her down the hall, leaving Joker to stand baffled in the kitchen and try to ignore Harley’s increasing giggling.

* * *

Joker was still awake when Bats returned from his rounds just before dawn. Diana had taken her leave when Batman had, leaving Harley and Joker awake together in the otherwise sleeping manor, Harley monitoring Joker’s symptoms and staying close. He’s wretched enough he doesn’t even mind he’s being coddled.

But he slowly feels better, and by the time Bats comes up from the cave he’s almost back to where he started, if still wincing just slightly at bright light. He’s better enough that he feels confident he’ll recover fully, anyway. “I’d say welcome back but I don’t want to make this stranger than it probably is.”

“You, not make something stranger?” Bats faked shock.

“I know, I just don’t want to sound like the Stepford Wife I’ll never be.”

“You would one hundred percent dress up like a Stepford Wife if you thought it’d throw me off.”

That gave Joker pause. “You’re not wrong. Shit, I’ll admit it. I kissed you the first time just to throw you off. I wanted to surprise you, it worked. Then to my surprise I actually like kissing you more than I like shooting at you.”

“More’s the pity.” Bats stepped in close, a hand resting lightly on Joker’s side as he kissed his forehead once gently. “Quiet night but it’s tense. The city knows you’re back, and knows Harley is back too. The rest of the rogues gallery is waiting for the next boot to drop, I think. No one’s really talking.”

“Everyone’s gone to ground.” Joker realized. “Right?”

“The step before that I think. The usual suspects were at Penguin’s but, not really any crimes in progress. Scarecrow’s lab was dark, Ivy had grow lights on but she doesn’t shut them off.”

“Yeah, that tracks.” He rubbed his eyes, staying in the Bat’s hold. “Not even going to comment on the fact that you know where Scarecrow and Ivy are and you haven’t dragged them in.”

“Well, like you said. I’m blurring boundaries I can’t get back.” Batman wrapped both arms around him, swaying a bit as he held him close. “I suspect I have been for a while. I want to do the right thing. But the right thing isn’t clearly defined.”

Joker didn’t bother finding words to reply to that, just tucked his face against the Bat’s collarbone and chest and let himself be tired and worn down, and just held, for a few breaths. “I’ll probably someday snap and make you hate me again. Probably sooner than later.”

“I know. You have a cycle. Let’s not worry about it. Someday we’ll be trying to murder each other. Someday the sun will explode. Who cares.”

He snorted.

“Awww.”

Both of them looked at glared at Harley, who was leaning in a doorway with her arms folded, smiling. “Well. Good morning.” Bats finally settled on, letting Joker go slowly.

“Don’t stop being cute on my account.”

“You don’t have to work today, do you?” Joker looked at a clock, then back up at Batman.

“No. So sentimental.”

He scoffed and gave him a shove. “Oh, fuck you. Can we get a ride out during the day?”

“Of course. I have a car with privacy tinting, Alfred can take you out I’m sure, I’ll ask him once it’s properly morning.”

“Right.” He sighed and rubbed one temple as he walked up the hall. “Come on. I should probably try to get a nap before we go home.”

“Have we tried to figure out just how we’re killing Waller?” Harley wanted to know.

“I intend to shoot her.”

“You gotta get close enough to do it, shug.”

He waved a hand in midair. “The super family will find a way for me to get into her house, I’m sure. The point is we can’t over-complicate it. She’d see that coming.”

“There’s wisdom in that actually.” Bats was following behind them. “I’ll pass the request along. You’re right. I’m absolutely certain we can do that.”

Joker smiled over his shoulder. “Thanks Bats.”

“Don’t thank me. Get some rest.”

* * *

Nothing and everything is that easy.

Bats texted him remarking it was a belling the cat situation. It sounded like a great idea but you had to get close enough to put a bell on the cat, and when you were the mouse, well.

Joker’s reply was twofold. One, a lot of cats apparently learned to walk silently even belled. And two, if you wanted a cat belled, you hire another cat to convince them it’s a great idea.

So anyway, Rick Flag, total prick.

* * *

“Hi Rick.”

It was worth it to see the man jump completely out of his skin, scrambling to pull his gun. Joker already had his pulled and pointed at him, fairly offhandedly. “What. What the fuck. What are you doing out of Gotham?”

“You know, it’s just amazing. It’s like people think I’m cursed to never leave city limits. I can drive, Rick. Have a seat, I want to talk to you about something. Well, someone.”

Rick slowly eased across the room. “If I put my gun away will you put yours away.”

“Maybe.” He allowed. Rick holstered his gun. Joker set his next to himself on the sofa and sat back, feet propped on the man’s coffee table and watching his every move. “I want to kill your ex-boss and I was thinking, you might help me out with that.”

“Wait. Waller. You want to kill Waller.” Flag said slowly.

“She did nearly kill your girlfriend, according to Harley.” He lifted an eyebrow. “Come on. That can’t be sitting well with you.”

“None of that shit did.” Flag said after a beat. “But do you really trust me not to tell her?”

“She won’t believe you.” Joker replied bluntly, and saw that yeah, he’d been right about that guess by Flag’s expression. “So come on. Make the world a better place or help me do so.”

“You’re pissed about Quinn.”

“Oh, I’m mad as fuck about a lot of things, none of which are your concern.”

“What if I say no?”

“I leave. There’s no one you can tell that will believe you, and it’s not worth the risk to kill you.” He tched. “That’d just draw attention to what I’m trying to do if you were found dead. Too messy.”

Rick rubbed the back of his neck and peered at Joker. “Aren’t you supposed to be crazy?”

Joker grinned wide. “Do you want me to prove it?”

“No.”

“Well. Then don’t ask. Are you in or out? Right now. I have shit to do.”

“Yeah I bet.” He rubbed his face, staring into the middle distance. “What do you need me to do?”

“Oh this is where it gets fun. I need you to go to her and tell her that I was here. Make up a conversation. Make me sound as crazy as you like. She’ll believe it. Rattle her cage for me. Then say I let slip that I recreated the vat. She’ll get it.”

Flag stared. “Okay. You are insane.”

“I know.” Joker stood and holstered his gun, then adjusted his suit. “Oh and if you could do this tomorrow, I’d appreciate it.” He left it at that and walked out.

* * *

Joker had given up on the idea of entering Waller’s house. Oh he could probably do it, but he decided that fuck it, he’d rather drag her into his territory. The idea that Joker had recreated the vat that had created himself was probably just enough to draw her out.

“She’s not going to be alone.” Bats remarked. They were standing on a catwalk above a tank of something rancid looking and smelling that was ultimately harmless, but was totally playing the part. The chemical plant that he’d been born in was still operating and staffed so he’d improvised. Bats had helped him find a spot that seemed to fit the narrative that Joker was seeding into the wind.

“So what. We’ll deal with that when it comes. If she takes the bait. This is a longshot.” He admitted, looking at Bats. “But any plan was. This at least gives me footing that I understand.”

“It’s your show.”

“Hah. You alright with your part in it?”

Bats smiled, just a bit. “Yes. Your people good?”

“Confused. But they’ll make the appropriate noise and fight enough to make it convincing. Don’t beat them up too badly, I told them you wouldn’t.”

“I won’t.”

* * *

It was a long shot. A domino chain that played on an obvious set of events. Harley knew Flag was involved. Joker rescued Harley and showed up to threaten Flag. Flag, though not trusted, ran to Waller with the story. It was an event chain that made sense. Waller needed a weapon. Joker supposedly made one that would let her make more Jokers. Gotham has plenty of ran down factories and Batman had found one they could use for a little while and had even tipped the cops to avoid it, quietly.

It was just waiting to see if she’d call.

* * *

She did, and met up with Bruce Wayne, asking for his help avoiding backlash from Midway City. Bruce committed to very little, pointing out that his influence was mostly local with a charming smile. And that was the point she segued into asking if he’d heard anything about what the Joker was up to. He’d replied that while he certainly didn’t know, someone he knows that mostly works at night did.

So the Batman moved on the fake chemical factory along with Waller and her goons, and Joker’s men who had been posted to guard it did a very good job of panic spraying ammunition and pretending to be ambushed by the Batman. Probably it was scary even if they knew he was coming, Batman was fucking intimidating in attack mode. Joker knew that well.

Joker was completely out of uniform. He was, in fact, in black boots, black jeans and a black hoodie, pale hands covered in gloves and hair tied back, hiding in an old foreman’s office and listening to the chaos. Waller’s goons don’t even check the office, it’s hilarious, and he focused on the sounds telling the story, and the earpiece in his ear that lets him hear what Batman’s saying.

Joker’s men are tied up and doing a good job of swearing at Batman and not laughing about anything. Waller asked something, not quite picked up, and Batman replied, “No, the cops will come pick them up shortly. I’ll let them know. Your men can hold the area secure for now, I hope?”

The boots dispersed through the echoing building and Joker moved, out of the foreman’s office and up a ladder in an unlit corner of the building, waiting. Batman was up the ladder like it was nothing and then waited for Waller, who climbed up carefully behind him, leaving them both on a catwalk over the vat.

“This is it?” Waller asked, staring down at it.

“Reportedly. I can’t say if he got it right. I haven’t sampled it, and even if I did, I don’t know what exactly was in the vat that made him.” Batman replied neutrally. “I can’t guess at his motives. No one can.”

“I can.” Waller replied. “Either he wants more allies, or whatever it does isn’t infinite and he needs to refresh it. One way or the other. What happened with Quinn spooked him. He’s looking for power.”

He stood and moved to the end of the catwalk. “Oh, that is fucking hilarious.”

Waller froze and looked at him. “Who the fuck. Batman, I thought you swept the area.”

“I did.” Batman’s voice was almost cold, and he fired the hookshot straight up into a skylight and was gone into the night.

Joker reached up and put down the hood with his offhand, freeing his hair as he did, lifting his pistol with the other. Instead of his blinged noisemakers, it was a flat black silenced piece. He’d bought it off Penguin the night before. “Hi, Waller. Send our regards to El Diablo.”

He double tapped and watched her stagger and go down. Not into the vat, which would have been poetic, but he walked down the catwalk and emptied the magazine into her anyway. He dropped the gun next to her and walked to the end of the catwalk, grabbing another ladder and climbing calmly down, opening another hatch and descending into the sewers beneath.

Gotham was always accommodating like that.

* * *

Batman was briefly implicated of course, but no one could make the facts line up to support it.

Batman didn’t shoot people. It was known, and both Joker’s people and Waller’s goons had seen him leave while Waller was still alive. Joker’s people concocted a wild tale of a ninja all dressed in black that had appeared in a poof of smoke and everyone swore up down and sideways that Waller was alive when the Bat left, and why the fuck would they lie about that? The Bat going away would be good for them! And Waller’s goons, mostly outside, had seen him leave and it roughly corroborated the timeline with Joker’s people.

The cops taking down notes as the collection of Joker gang raved about this had a long night. Most of them were sprang on bail within twenty-four hours anyway. One was held for longer for having pot on his person.

Joker had a talk with his people about not carrying dope if they were on this kind of mission.

All of them got bonus pay anyway.

The files telling the truth about Midway City dropped a few days after Waller was found dead, and the news reached the inevitable conclusion that Waller’s death had been retaliation. There were, indeed, riots. A few. And marches. And not a few legal groups coming forward demanding everyone be released from Belle Reve. They were transferred of course, some to Arkham, some to Black Gate. But Belle Reve looked like it was going to be shut down in a very final way and some of the guards were going to be charged for what they did.

Batman didn’t say anything but, Joker was fairly certain that file dump was owing to him.

The Justice League hated the entire mess, but the deed was done, and Joker started rearranging his employees for a light year. He’d made a deal after all, which meant no heists, which meant he had to find other ways to keep his people busy. Idle hands do the Joker’s work after all.

And he left his balcony door open and waited.


End file.
